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If God is Alive, I Hate Him: The Value of Spiritual Wrestling on the Page by Anna Shane Stadick

Hi all! for those of you who don’t know, my sister, Anna Shane Stadick, is in a MFA program for writing. And has recently got a couple nonfiction pieces published! One came out today on Talking Writing. You should totally read it–it’s about suffering and having no easy answer and using art as a safe place to do all this wrestling. All themes I’m very passionate about, and especially needed right now.

I’ll post the first chunk of it and let you jump over to the published article itself 🙂

God died when I was diagnosed with Bipolar I Disorder.

The first year, I got by with memorized answers: “God is in control” and “God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle.” True, I thought, but not very comforting when squatting naked before a nurse so she could make sure I didn’t have a weapon lodged in my vagina. Still, having been raised in the church, I knew exactly what to say when well-intentioned friends texted me Bible verses. When I was first diagnosed in 2013, I had to cover up that I didn’t care about God being in control or what God’s plan for my life was—I wanted my own plan. A plan that didn’t involve a mental breakdown.

The second year, I again found myself lying in a hospital bed on suicide watch. There was no meaning in my pain; there couldn’t be. I couldn’t parrot the Christian answers anymore. All I could think was God is dead, God is dead, God is dead.

What I meant was: If God is alive, I hate Him.

keep reading by going to the original article on Talking Writing!

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